dinner & a movie

I can't even begin to tell you how incredibly wonderful this day has been!! Let me start out by telling you that part of anorexia is social isolation. And because of that, Kylee hasn't done anything social with me or her sisters or her friends in a very long time. The last time that she and I did anything, other than go to the grocery store and the doctors office, was in September. We went to the Oklahoma State Fair, the health food store, Target (our favorite!), and to eat at Panda Express. I'm pretty sure that was also the last time she actually ate in public. But, today was different!! Today, Kylee, Logan and I went to THE MOVIE!!! It was the girls' choice and they chose to see The Princess and The Frog. Really cute movie. Then, and this is the BEST part.....we went to eat at Subway!! And Kylee actually ate...in public! She ate her normal sandwich (with cheese!) that she used to get and a bag of Sun Chips!! It was a normal lunch with two of my daughters! I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am right now! I know that this won't happen everyday, but I am thankful that it happened today. Kylee has come so far!! I can't even express in words how happy I am right n0w. Please pray that there are lots of days like this one ahead of us and that they aren't few and far between!

~Denise

good days and bad

We've been having some good days (thank God!)! I love it when Kylee has a good day. That usually means that I will have a good day. Her positive additude the past few days has been very encouraging. I know that throughout her recovery, there will be ups and downs. I'm thankful for both. Why? you ask. Well, the good days for obvious reasons and the bad days to learn from. I think every day offers a lesson of some sort. And the bad days will give us something to look back on and figure out what went wrong, what brought it on, what were you thinking, why? If we can just answer those questions and hang onto the answers, maybe next time those feelings, or whatever, come along we will know how to deal, what to do, say, think. So, yep, I'm thankful for those bad days but praying for more days like today!

3 steps back

Today I went to the doctor with Kylee for a checkup. When we went back, I told the nurse that Kylee did NOT want to know her weight. So, she turned around backwards on the scale, the nurse wrote down her weight, and all was good. We went to the exam room and the nurse took her temperature and blood pressure. I asked about her blood pressure, which was still low but the same as last time, and then the nurse told her that she had gained 2 pounds. Dangit! She has anorexia, she knows how much she weighed last time we were there! Why, why, why??!!?? I could just see her confidence of the last few days start to diminish. I tried to explain that this was a good thing. Of course, part of her brain knows this, the part that is Kylee. But the other part of her brain, the ED part, had her in a puddle of tears. Those 2 stupid (wonderful!) pounds had ripped away all of the good mood and positive-ness that had been the Kylee of the past weekend. It truly pissed me off! But I have to remember that there will be days like this. I just have to accept it. Even if I don't want to. And I DON'T want to!

therapy and enchiladas

Wednesday night I went with Kylee to her first therapy session. It was really just a "get to know you" type of meeting. To tell you the truth, I'm just not sure if this is the right fit for us, but I guess we should give it a chance before we make any assumptions. She goes back next week by herself so I guess we will just have to wait and see.

After therapy Brian and I went out to eat Mexican food, my favorite! Kylee actually wanted us to bring her a children's enchilada dinner! I was more than excited! And she ate it, every last bite! You can read about it here. Of course, after that 2 steps forward day we a 3 steps back one. But that's to be expected. That's how recovery goes. I'm prepared for that and I am looking forward to when the steps forward outnumber the steps back. I know it won't happen over night, this thing didn't manifest over night, but it WILL happen.

One big contradiction

You know what is hard? (Like this whole thing isn't the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with? Huh!) While I am trying (trying is the key word here!) to deal with Kylee's ED, I am on Weight Watchers. How messed up is that? I'm trying to get her to stop measuring everything that goes into her mouth while I am measuring everything that goes into mine. Trying to get her to forget the numbers while at the same time, I am all about the numbers (gotta love those points!). This whole thing is nothing but a freaking contradiction. So, what do I do? Do I give up MY efforts to take care of her? I can't. I still have to take care of myself in order to take care of her. Besides, food is my drug of choice. And I definitely can't go back to that! See how it complicates everything? I'm as messed up as she is!

Tell me how you really feel!

Well, the great spaghetti challenge didn't go so well. You can read about it here. This whole thing is starting to really piss me off. I struggled for so long as a single mom to make sure my kids were fed. I worked 2 jobs and sometimes even 3 to make sure that there was food on the table. I feel like ED is mocking me by starving my daughter. She starts therapy tomorrow night. We are starting out with a "master clinician". If she doesn't feel like she can help us we will move onto a psycologist. I hate ED, hate the worry, hate the fact that a size 0 swallows my child whole. Hate that she weighed 88 pounds yesterday and probably less today. Hate being helpless. Hate that I have to be medicated, myself, just to cope. I hate it all.

1 challenge down, 1 to go

Yesterday's "fried chicken challenge" went good. Kylee had, what most would consider, a normal portion of everything. We had fried chicken, mashed potatoes & gravy, corn, green beans, and rolls. She even had 2 rolls. I was very excited about this but knew that after eating "normal" food, food that she didn't prepare herself and didn't know the calorie count for, that she would panic. Before I went to bed I went in to check on her. This has become a nightly habit since she has started being so honest with me about her ED (eating disorder). She wasn't as freaked out as we both expected her to be and she told me that she was actually a little bit hungry. I encouraged her to eat if her body was telling her that it was hungry. Of course she ended up in a mental battle with ED. But she won and had a snack before she went to bed. This happens several times a day. It's always a battle.

Today is going to be another challenging day. Due to the blizzard of '09 here in Oklahoma, my girls had to skip Christmas with their dad's parents. So, they rescheduled for today. Lunch. Great. Spaghetti. Wonderful. This has caused great distress for Kylee, especially since I won't be there. She'll have her sisters but it's not the same. They don't really "get it" like I do. I told her to call or text me if she needs to.

On another note, Brian and I have to go to a memorial this afternoon for his cousin Mark. Mark was in his early 50's and found out a few weeks ago that he had cancer. They did surgery on him a few days ago and he didn't make it. Mark lived with his mom who was widowed and took care of her. Anna doesn't drive so Mark drove her everywhere she needed to go. I can't imagine losing a child even if that child is grown. Please pray for Brian's family and especially for his Aunt Anna.

Today was a good day

Today was such a good day! Kylee and I spent almost the entire day hanging out. We left the house and headed to the bookstores. We hit up Borders first and spent entirely too much money on books. But we can't help it, we love to read! We got a couple of books about girls who have recovered from anorexia and one about a girl who didn't make it to recovery. We are trying to learn everything that we can. We want all the facts and the more we can learn from people who have been down this path before us, the better.



Next we went to Barnes and Noble. And this is where it gets good...I ordered a Nook!! Merry Christmas to me, (thanks to my parents and my inlaws and their Christmas generosity!)!! They are sold out but it will be shipped February 1st, I cant wait!



Our next stop was our favorite store, Target. We got some groceries and some Christmas clearance. We love to shop, even if it's just for groceries!



I really think that Kylee's anti-depressant is helping. Her mood has been so much better this week. That really gives me hope. We are waiting for a call back from a therapist. And she ate good today, even breaking some of her self-imposed rules. Now we move on to tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a challenge. We are having dinner at my parents' house....fried chicken. Her fear is that she will lose control. I told her that I won't let that happen. She's afraid that she won't eat breakfast or lunch in anticipation of this challenging meal. All of these fears and it's not even tomorrow, yet. We will get through all of this together. She isn't alone. She has her momma!