Where I am, but don't want to be

When I decided to start this blog I was really excited about it even though I really didn't know what direction I intended for it to go. If you've read Tara Frey's book, "Blogging for Bliss", then you know that you should have a purpose for your blog. To be quite honest, I never really gave any thought to what "purpose" this blog should have....until now.

After many months of being in denial, I have finally admitted to myself that my middle daughter, Kylee, has anorexia, and with her permission I will be blogging about her illness and her recovery. I have tried to find other blogs by moms who have daughters suffering from this horrible condition but so far I haven't found any. There are numerous blogs out there by the girls themselves, so I know there are moms out there going through the same thing that I am. I just need an outlet and this is it, my little blog's purpose.

As a person who has spent her whole life on a diet and for probably 12 years had my own eating disorder, (I had bulimia all through high school and most of my first marriage), I have a hard time not blaming myself. But that's what we do as mothers, isn't it? We carry the blame and the guilt. It's hard not to. And it is so hard to watch your child wasting away. I can't kiss it and make it better or hold her til it goes away. Right now all I can do is pray for her, nag her to eat, deal with the insurance company and try, try, try to keep it together and keep my own sanity. So far, I am not doing so good on that last part.

So, we went to the doctor today to talk about the blood work she ordered a few weeks ago and to discuss the anti-depressant that she put Kylee on. The nurse weighed her and she weighed 94.2 pounds....down 3 pounds from a few weeks ago. Dr. J. talked to us about the test results and about what Kylee has been eating when she drops the bombshell on me that she didn't eat anything yesterday....not one single bite. This is devestating to me. My heart is broken.

This is where we are. I'm at a loss as to what to do next. We are in the process of getting her into therapy. I probably need therapy, too, who knows. But, I would really appreciate your prayers for my daughter....my beautiful, quirky, intelligent daughter. She is truly so much more than this eating disorder.