therapy and enchiladas

Wednesday night I went with Kylee to her first therapy session. It was really just a "get to know you" type of meeting. To tell you the truth, I'm just not sure if this is the right fit for us, but I guess we should give it a chance before we make any assumptions. She goes back next week by herself so I guess we will just have to wait and see.

After therapy Brian and I went out to eat Mexican food, my favorite! Kylee actually wanted us to bring her a children's enchilada dinner! I was more than excited! And she ate it, every last bite! You can read about it here. Of course, after that 2 steps forward day we a 3 steps back one. But that's to be expected. That's how recovery goes. I'm prepared for that and I am looking forward to when the steps forward outnumber the steps back. I know it won't happen over night, this thing didn't manifest over night, but it WILL happen.

One big contradiction

You know what is hard? (Like this whole thing isn't the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with? Huh!) While I am trying (trying is the key word here!) to deal with Kylee's ED, I am on Weight Watchers. How messed up is that? I'm trying to get her to stop measuring everything that goes into her mouth while I am measuring everything that goes into mine. Trying to get her to forget the numbers while at the same time, I am all about the numbers (gotta love those points!). This whole thing is nothing but a freaking contradiction. So, what do I do? Do I give up MY efforts to take care of her? I can't. I still have to take care of myself in order to take care of her. Besides, food is my drug of choice. And I definitely can't go back to that! See how it complicates everything? I'm as messed up as she is!

Tell me how you really feel!

Well, the great spaghetti challenge didn't go so well. You can read about it here. This whole thing is starting to really piss me off. I struggled for so long as a single mom to make sure my kids were fed. I worked 2 jobs and sometimes even 3 to make sure that there was food on the table. I feel like ED is mocking me by starving my daughter. She starts therapy tomorrow night. We are starting out with a "master clinician". If she doesn't feel like she can help us we will move onto a psycologist. I hate ED, hate the worry, hate the fact that a size 0 swallows my child whole. Hate that she weighed 88 pounds yesterday and probably less today. Hate being helpless. Hate that I have to be medicated, myself, just to cope. I hate it all.

1 challenge down, 1 to go

Yesterday's "fried chicken challenge" went good. Kylee had, what most would consider, a normal portion of everything. We had fried chicken, mashed potatoes & gravy, corn, green beans, and rolls. She even had 2 rolls. I was very excited about this but knew that after eating "normal" food, food that she didn't prepare herself and didn't know the calorie count for, that she would panic. Before I went to bed I went in to check on her. This has become a nightly habit since she has started being so honest with me about her ED (eating disorder). She wasn't as freaked out as we both expected her to be and she told me that she was actually a little bit hungry. I encouraged her to eat if her body was telling her that it was hungry. Of course she ended up in a mental battle with ED. But she won and had a snack before she went to bed. This happens several times a day. It's always a battle.

Today is going to be another challenging day. Due to the blizzard of '09 here in Oklahoma, my girls had to skip Christmas with their dad's parents. So, they rescheduled for today. Lunch. Great. Spaghetti. Wonderful. This has caused great distress for Kylee, especially since I won't be there. She'll have her sisters but it's not the same. They don't really "get it" like I do. I told her to call or text me if she needs to.

On another note, Brian and I have to go to a memorial this afternoon for his cousin Mark. Mark was in his early 50's and found out a few weeks ago that he had cancer. They did surgery on him a few days ago and he didn't make it. Mark lived with his mom who was widowed and took care of her. Anna doesn't drive so Mark drove her everywhere she needed to go. I can't imagine losing a child even if that child is grown. Please pray for Brian's family and especially for his Aunt Anna.

Today was a good day

Today was such a good day! Kylee and I spent almost the entire day hanging out. We left the house and headed to the bookstores. We hit up Borders first and spent entirely too much money on books. But we can't help it, we love to read! We got a couple of books about girls who have recovered from anorexia and one about a girl who didn't make it to recovery. We are trying to learn everything that we can. We want all the facts and the more we can learn from people who have been down this path before us, the better.



Next we went to Barnes and Noble. And this is where it gets good...I ordered a Nook!! Merry Christmas to me, (thanks to my parents and my inlaws and their Christmas generosity!)!! They are sold out but it will be shipped February 1st, I cant wait!



Our next stop was our favorite store, Target. We got some groceries and some Christmas clearance. We love to shop, even if it's just for groceries!



I really think that Kylee's anti-depressant is helping. Her mood has been so much better this week. That really gives me hope. We are waiting for a call back from a therapist. And she ate good today, even breaking some of her self-imposed rules. Now we move on to tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a challenge. We are having dinner at my parents' house....fried chicken. Her fear is that she will lose control. I told her that I won't let that happen. She's afraid that she won't eat breakfast or lunch in anticipation of this challenging meal. All of these fears and it's not even tomorrow, yet. We will get through all of this together. She isn't alone. She has her momma!

OCD

In my research, (i.e. perusing the world wide web), I have made a discovery that makes so much sense to me. I don't even remember where I saw it at but it was like a revelation! I read that alot of times, kids who develope anorexia have also had OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder)! HELLO!!! My kid has ALL kinds of OCDs! And that makes so much sense. This whole stupid thing practically screams OCD. She is totally obsessed with food, the numbers, she has a routine that she has to go through before she can eat anything, there are all of these "rules". In a way, it makes going through this a little easier for me. I couldn't tell you why, but I'll take anything at this point!

One day at a time

Today was a good day....I think. I'm pretty sure that Kylee ate 3 meals today which is an unbelievably good thing! She actually went into a resturant with me at lunch, something that she hasn't done since September. She didn't eat anything but she was there and that's a start. So, we got through today. Now we can move on to tomorrow. One day at a time....one day at a time......