WOW!!!

I cannot even believe that it has been since JUNE since I have posted on here!!!  So much has happened since then!!  Kylee has recovered from Anorexia.  Did you hear that??  RECOVERED!!!  She has actually moved out and is living with my oldest daughter, all grown up, not easy to accept!  My "baby" is a senior, also not easy to accept.  Serioulsy, I think I am in denial!  My grandbaby turned 5,  my hair color has changed about 3 times, I made homemade bread, mastered the Pioneer Woman's cinnamon rolls and gained 10 pounds thanks to the 2 afore mentioned events.  What's been going on with you??

Hello, my name is .......

Hello, my name is Denise and I am a bad blogger!!!  Where have I been, you ask, what have I been doing?  Well, let me tell you.....I have been watching my child overcome a horrible disease, listening to the excitement in her voice when she called to tell me that she had eaten a grilled cheese sandwich AND an order of tator tots from Sonic!  I have been listening to her tell me how much she likes who she is and that she is comfortable with her body!  She even bought a bikini!  You have no idea how happy this makes me.  I thank God everyday for Kylee's health.  I am thankful that she is happy and that she is spending time with her friends and even more important, spending time with her sisters and the rest of the family.  I am truly blessed!

Happy, Happy Happy!!!

You have absolutely no idea how incredibly happy THIS makes me!!!

Update

Hello, everyone! Remember me? I haven't updated my blog lately because Kylee is doing so well and I didn't want to jinx it! Stupid, huh? I'm not even superstitious! Oh well, what can I say?

You wouldn't even believe how well Kylee is doing! She is looking healthy, she is smiling, and her clothes are starting to fit!! Woohoo!!

We fired the therapist. After less than an hour, she told my daughter that her problem is an identity crisis . Of all the people that I have ever known in my life, Kylee is the one most least likely to not know who she is! This kid knows who she is, knows where she's going and knows how she is going to get there! We didn't feel like she was the right fit after the first session, and we were right. She isn't currently seeing a therapist and we are going to play it by ear for now. If we decide that she does need therapy, we have a new friend who is going through the same thing with her daughter and she has given us a good lead on a therapist that specializes in eating disorders.

On a non-eating disorder related note, Kylee made the president's honor roll!!! That's my girl!

dinner & a movie

I can't even begin to tell you how incredibly wonderful this day has been!! Let me start out by telling you that part of anorexia is social isolation. And because of that, Kylee hasn't done anything social with me or her sisters or her friends in a very long time. The last time that she and I did anything, other than go to the grocery store and the doctors office, was in September. We went to the Oklahoma State Fair, the health food store, Target (our favorite!), and to eat at Panda Express. I'm pretty sure that was also the last time she actually ate in public. But, today was different!! Today, Kylee, Logan and I went to THE MOVIE!!! It was the girls' choice and they chose to see The Princess and The Frog. Really cute movie. Then, and this is the BEST part.....we went to eat at Subway!! And Kylee actually ate...in public! She ate her normal sandwich (with cheese!) that she used to get and a bag of Sun Chips!! It was a normal lunch with two of my daughters! I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am right now! I know that this won't happen everyday, but I am thankful that it happened today. Kylee has come so far!! I can't even express in words how happy I am right n0w. Please pray that there are lots of days like this one ahead of us and that they aren't few and far between!

~Denise

good days and bad

We've been having some good days (thank God!)! I love it when Kylee has a good day. That usually means that I will have a good day. Her positive additude the past few days has been very encouraging. I know that throughout her recovery, there will be ups and downs. I'm thankful for both. Why? you ask. Well, the good days for obvious reasons and the bad days to learn from. I think every day offers a lesson of some sort. And the bad days will give us something to look back on and figure out what went wrong, what brought it on, what were you thinking, why? If we can just answer those questions and hang onto the answers, maybe next time those feelings, or whatever, come along we will know how to deal, what to do, say, think. So, yep, I'm thankful for those bad days but praying for more days like today!

3 steps back

Today I went to the doctor with Kylee for a checkup. When we went back, I told the nurse that Kylee did NOT want to know her weight. So, she turned around backwards on the scale, the nurse wrote down her weight, and all was good. We went to the exam room and the nurse took her temperature and blood pressure. I asked about her blood pressure, which was still low but the same as last time, and then the nurse told her that she had gained 2 pounds. Dangit! She has anorexia, she knows how much she weighed last time we were there! Why, why, why??!!?? I could just see her confidence of the last few days start to diminish. I tried to explain that this was a good thing. Of course, part of her brain knows this, the part that is Kylee. But the other part of her brain, the ED part, had her in a puddle of tears. Those 2 stupid (wonderful!) pounds had ripped away all of the good mood and positive-ness that had been the Kylee of the past weekend. It truly pissed me off! But I have to remember that there will be days like this. I just have to accept it. Even if I don't want to. And I DON'T want to!

therapy and enchiladas

Wednesday night I went with Kylee to her first therapy session. It was really just a "get to know you" type of meeting. To tell you the truth, I'm just not sure if this is the right fit for us, but I guess we should give it a chance before we make any assumptions. She goes back next week by herself so I guess we will just have to wait and see.

After therapy Brian and I went out to eat Mexican food, my favorite! Kylee actually wanted us to bring her a children's enchilada dinner! I was more than excited! And she ate it, every last bite! You can read about it here. Of course, after that 2 steps forward day we a 3 steps back one. But that's to be expected. That's how recovery goes. I'm prepared for that and I am looking forward to when the steps forward outnumber the steps back. I know it won't happen over night, this thing didn't manifest over night, but it WILL happen.

One big contradiction

You know what is hard? (Like this whole thing isn't the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with? Huh!) While I am trying (trying is the key word here!) to deal with Kylee's ED, I am on Weight Watchers. How messed up is that? I'm trying to get her to stop measuring everything that goes into her mouth while I am measuring everything that goes into mine. Trying to get her to forget the numbers while at the same time, I am all about the numbers (gotta love those points!). This whole thing is nothing but a freaking contradiction. So, what do I do? Do I give up MY efforts to take care of her? I can't. I still have to take care of myself in order to take care of her. Besides, food is my drug of choice. And I definitely can't go back to that! See how it complicates everything? I'm as messed up as she is!

Tell me how you really feel!

Well, the great spaghetti challenge didn't go so well. You can read about it here. This whole thing is starting to really piss me off. I struggled for so long as a single mom to make sure my kids were fed. I worked 2 jobs and sometimes even 3 to make sure that there was food on the table. I feel like ED is mocking me by starving my daughter. She starts therapy tomorrow night. We are starting out with a "master clinician". If she doesn't feel like she can help us we will move onto a psycologist. I hate ED, hate the worry, hate the fact that a size 0 swallows my child whole. Hate that she weighed 88 pounds yesterday and probably less today. Hate being helpless. Hate that I have to be medicated, myself, just to cope. I hate it all.

1 challenge down, 1 to go

Yesterday's "fried chicken challenge" went good. Kylee had, what most would consider, a normal portion of everything. We had fried chicken, mashed potatoes & gravy, corn, green beans, and rolls. She even had 2 rolls. I was very excited about this but knew that after eating "normal" food, food that she didn't prepare herself and didn't know the calorie count for, that she would panic. Before I went to bed I went in to check on her. This has become a nightly habit since she has started being so honest with me about her ED (eating disorder). She wasn't as freaked out as we both expected her to be and she told me that she was actually a little bit hungry. I encouraged her to eat if her body was telling her that it was hungry. Of course she ended up in a mental battle with ED. But she won and had a snack before she went to bed. This happens several times a day. It's always a battle.

Today is going to be another challenging day. Due to the blizzard of '09 here in Oklahoma, my girls had to skip Christmas with their dad's parents. So, they rescheduled for today. Lunch. Great. Spaghetti. Wonderful. This has caused great distress for Kylee, especially since I won't be there. She'll have her sisters but it's not the same. They don't really "get it" like I do. I told her to call or text me if she needs to.

On another note, Brian and I have to go to a memorial this afternoon for his cousin Mark. Mark was in his early 50's and found out a few weeks ago that he had cancer. They did surgery on him a few days ago and he didn't make it. Mark lived with his mom who was widowed and took care of her. Anna doesn't drive so Mark drove her everywhere she needed to go. I can't imagine losing a child even if that child is grown. Please pray for Brian's family and especially for his Aunt Anna.

Today was a good day

Today was such a good day! Kylee and I spent almost the entire day hanging out. We left the house and headed to the bookstores. We hit up Borders first and spent entirely too much money on books. But we can't help it, we love to read! We got a couple of books about girls who have recovered from anorexia and one about a girl who didn't make it to recovery. We are trying to learn everything that we can. We want all the facts and the more we can learn from people who have been down this path before us, the better.



Next we went to Barnes and Noble. And this is where it gets good...I ordered a Nook!! Merry Christmas to me, (thanks to my parents and my inlaws and their Christmas generosity!)!! They are sold out but it will be shipped February 1st, I cant wait!



Our next stop was our favorite store, Target. We got some groceries and some Christmas clearance. We love to shop, even if it's just for groceries!



I really think that Kylee's anti-depressant is helping. Her mood has been so much better this week. That really gives me hope. We are waiting for a call back from a therapist. And she ate good today, even breaking some of her self-imposed rules. Now we move on to tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a challenge. We are having dinner at my parents' house....fried chicken. Her fear is that she will lose control. I told her that I won't let that happen. She's afraid that she won't eat breakfast or lunch in anticipation of this challenging meal. All of these fears and it's not even tomorrow, yet. We will get through all of this together. She isn't alone. She has her momma!

OCD

In my research, (i.e. perusing the world wide web), I have made a discovery that makes so much sense to me. I don't even remember where I saw it at but it was like a revelation! I read that alot of times, kids who develope anorexia have also had OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder)! HELLO!!! My kid has ALL kinds of OCDs! And that makes so much sense. This whole stupid thing practically screams OCD. She is totally obsessed with food, the numbers, she has a routine that she has to go through before she can eat anything, there are all of these "rules". In a way, it makes going through this a little easier for me. I couldn't tell you why, but I'll take anything at this point!

One day at a time

Today was a good day....I think. I'm pretty sure that Kylee ate 3 meals today which is an unbelievably good thing! She actually went into a resturant with me at lunch, something that she hasn't done since September. She didn't eat anything but she was there and that's a start. So, we got through today. Now we can move on to tomorrow. One day at a time....one day at a time......

Where I am, but don't want to be

When I decided to start this blog I was really excited about it even though I really didn't know what direction I intended for it to go. If you've read Tara Frey's book, "Blogging for Bliss", then you know that you should have a purpose for your blog. To be quite honest, I never really gave any thought to what "purpose" this blog should have....until now.

After many months of being in denial, I have finally admitted to myself that my middle daughter, Kylee, has anorexia, and with her permission I will be blogging about her illness and her recovery. I have tried to find other blogs by moms who have daughters suffering from this horrible condition but so far I haven't found any. There are numerous blogs out there by the girls themselves, so I know there are moms out there going through the same thing that I am. I just need an outlet and this is it, my little blog's purpose.

As a person who has spent her whole life on a diet and for probably 12 years had my own eating disorder, (I had bulimia all through high school and most of my first marriage), I have a hard time not blaming myself. But that's what we do as mothers, isn't it? We carry the blame and the guilt. It's hard not to. And it is so hard to watch your child wasting away. I can't kiss it and make it better or hold her til it goes away. Right now all I can do is pray for her, nag her to eat, deal with the insurance company and try, try, try to keep it together and keep my own sanity. So far, I am not doing so good on that last part.

So, we went to the doctor today to talk about the blood work she ordered a few weeks ago and to discuss the anti-depressant that she put Kylee on. The nurse weighed her and she weighed 94.2 pounds....down 3 pounds from a few weeks ago. Dr. J. talked to us about the test results and about what Kylee has been eating when she drops the bombshell on me that she didn't eat anything yesterday....not one single bite. This is devestating to me. My heart is broken.

This is where we are. I'm at a loss as to what to do next. We are in the process of getting her into therapy. I probably need therapy, too, who knows. But, I would really appreciate your prayers for my daughter....my beautiful, quirky, intelligent daughter. She is truly so much more than this eating disorder.

What have I been doing?

What have I been doing for the last 2 weeks? Obviously not blogging! I have been so busy! Between being really busy at my regular job at the salon, baking (ALOT), and the other normal life stuff, I have been reading Julie & Julia! Those of you who know me, know that I read in the bath tub. Well, I couldn't put it down! I read it in the tub, out of the tub, everywhere but work. Hilarious! I guess I liked it because I could relate to her determination to finish, her mental breakdowns in trying to do so, all of her diasters, and the major messes she made! I almost peed my pants when she had to kill the lobster! Now I need to see the movie!!

Another thing I missed during the last couple of weeks is the fact that I won my first bloggy award from my bloggy friend, Pam!





She's so sweet. And I feel very honored and special! Thank you, Pam!!!

1.) Thank and post URL to the blog that gave the award.

2.) Pass the award along to 6 brilliantly over the top blogs (blogs you love!) Alert them so they know to receive the award.



First, My middle daughter, Kylee. She is a really good writer! I learn something new about her everytime I read her blog. I am soo proud of her!

Jennifer over at Simpson Party of 5! is my cousin's wife and they have the most adorable kids!

Jen at MonkeyPosh, my friend IRL, lives in the Chicago area, travels like I wish I could, has awesome fashion sense, and is one of the funniest people I know!


Want some yummy recipes? Check out Cupcakes and Casseroles.

And last but not least my friend Melanie at Sweet223 . She just started a new business making candy buffets. So clever!

Yes, I know, I only did 5! What can I say? I'm feelin' a little lazy today! Seriously, it's almost 4pm and I am still in my jammies!

3.) Copy and paste this quiz… Change the answers, ONE word only!!



1-Your cell phone? Pink

2- Your hair? blah

3-Your mother? awesome

4-Your father? best

5-Your favorite food? mexican

6-Your favorite drink? diet dr.pepper

7-Your dream last night? ????

8-Your dream/goal? bakery

9-What room are you in? bedroom

10-Your hobby? lots!!

11-Your fear? many

12-Where do you want to be in 6 years? bakning

13-Where were you last night? home

14-Something that you aren’t? tall

15-Muffin? pumpkin

16-Wish list item? (food) Processor

17-Where did you grow up? OKC

18-Last thing you did? ate

19-What are you wearing? jammies

20-Your TV? loud

21-Your pets? dogs

22-Friends? sweet

23- Your life? blessed

24-Your mood? blah

25-Missing someone? always

26-Vehicle? Edge

27-Something you aren’t wearing? makeup

28-Your favorite store? Target

29-Favorite color? pink

30-When was the last time you laughed? morning

31-Last time you cried? earlier

32-Your best friend? husband

33-One place you go to over and over? work

34-One person who emails you regularly? Brian

35-Favorite place to eat? Alfredo's

About Last Night.....

Ahhhh, Trick or Treat!! I love it! Even though my girls are half grown, they still love to dress up. And being a MiMi makes it even that much more fun!! Tiffany and Jalynn were the cutest mommy and baby bees. Jalynn kept singing "I'm taking home a baby bumble bee" which kept cracking us up!!

Kylee was Minnie Mouse and she totally rocked those ears!! I made those, thank you very much!

Logan was a sheriff and her boyfriend, Martin, was The Count of Sesame Street Fame.

We didn't have as many kids ringing the door bell this year, but then again, there was 2 football games on. If you know anything about Oklahoma, then you know that we LOVE our football. OU and OSU were both playing during prime trick or treat time! So, I gave out candy and B watched football, yelled and cussed at the t.v.! Oklahoma football is an emotional event at our house!

Here are some of my favorite little spooks..

Ashton and Carson (Jalynn's BFFs) were a lady bug and a bug catcher.

Adrianna (daughter of my friend Deeona) was a witch (check out that cool chin and nose!) and Jake (my friend Leslie's little boy) was a monkey. Too cute!

Jalynn needed to hit up one more house. Don't you just love those bumble bee leg warmers?

This bee is all buzzed out!! Hope everyone had as much fun as she did!!

~Denise

Where did the time go?

It's so hard to accept the fact that our children grow up. It's the one thing in their lives that we have absolutly no say so in. There isn't a paper to sign. No permission to give. I don't like it. I knew it would happen, but did it have to happen so fast? Ok, so 16 1/2 years isn't exactly fast, but still! What I'm getting at is my baby is going today to take her driving test. Yes, she is almost 17 but the kid has a busy life and we are just now getting it done. In the state of Oklahoma you can't get your permit until you are 16 if you haven't had drivers' ed, and like I said, she has a busy life and drivers' ed never happened. After you get your permit, you have to wait 6 months to get your actual license. Well, that 6 months is up. To tell you the truth, I'm having a really hard time with this. Is it because she's my baby? Is it because I have a tendency to be a little bit of a control freak? Am I in denial? I don't know, maybe all three! Ok, definitely all 3!! Wish miss Logan luck, and pray for both of us!!!

Prayer needed!

Hey everyone! I have a request.

My Aunt Pat, Uncle Eddie and my cousins Jessica and Mike at Jessica's wedding in August.

My Uncle Eddie has ALS, commonly known as Lou Gerhigs disease. ALS is a devastating disease and my uncle has been suffering with it for a while. After much research, prayer and, I'm sure, lots of tears, my uncle decided (although I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision!) to make the long trip to Germany for stem cell treatment. My Aunt Pat is very supporting of this decision but also a little (OK, alot!) freaked out by what this trip entails! Please pray for them while they are on this adventure and that the treatment is successful. If you want to learn more about their experience check out my aunt's blog. She is quite funny and very informative. Thank you in advance!!!

xoxoxo

Denise

We partied all weekend!

We started the weekend off with my niece, Kelli Linn's 9th birthday party.

I can't believe she is already 9! Man, time just flies by, and you realize it more when you have kids to watch grow up!

I made her some strawberry cupcakes with purple cream cheese frosting and purple cupcakes with hot pink cream cheese frosting.



We painted fingernails and toenails.


They ate and jumped on the moonbounce and ran around like crazy 9 year old girls are known to do!

On Sunday, we had to do it all over again for my grandbaby, Jalynn's 4th birthday! I still can't believe that she is already 4. She was a preemie and started out so little, but she has definitely caught up!!

This is Jalynn and her bestie, Ashton. They share a birthday...Happy birthday, Ashy!!

What do you get when you cross a birthday cake frosted in blue with a very quick shih tsu?

Cali loved that cake!